If you see me sitting down, you probably would not think there is anything wrong with me.
I look like a normal person.
I can talk normally. I can laugh. I can sit with you, have a conversation, and look completely fine.
But when I start walking, it is another story.
That is one of the things I have learned from living with Multiple Sclerosis.
You cannot always see what someone is fighting inside.
People sometimes tell me that I look strong.
Maybe I do.
But they don’t see what is happening inside my body.
Sometimes, I feel like I am walking with someone else’s body.
My brain tells my body what I want to do. I know where I want to go. I know how I want to move my legs.
But sometimes my body does not follow the way I want it to.
With MS, the communication between the brain and the body can be disrupted because the myelin that helps protect nerve fibers is damaged. The signals don’t always travel as smoothly as they should.
For me, it can feel very strange.
My brain says, “Walk.”
But my body says, “I don’t know how.”
Sometimes my balance doesn’t cooperate.
Sometimes my legs feel heavy.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and my whole body feels like it is carrying extra weight.
And I have to start the day knowing that even simple things may require much more energy than they used to.
Taking a shower, for example, may look like one of the easiest things in the world.
For me, sometimes it is exhausting.
Carrying my own body can feel like carrying a sandbag.
Going up and down stairs can take a lot of energy.
Walking a short distance can sometimes feel like a much longer journey.
And yes, I have fallen many times.
I have even broken my pinky because I lost my balance.
People may see me and think,
“He looks fine.”
And I understand why they think that.
Because I don’t always look sick.
But MS doesn’t always show itself on the outside.
Sometimes the hardest part of MS is having a body that looks normal but doesn’t always work the way you want it to.
There have been times when I asked myself,
“Why is this happening to me?”
I would be frustrated.
Sometimes I would feel depressed.
I have been doing physical therapy for many years. I exercise. I stretch. I try to take care of myself.
But sometimes I look at myself and think,
“After all these years, why don’t I see more improvement?”
That feeling can be discouraging.
You work hard, but your body doesn’t always give you the result you expect.
And that is another lesson MS has taught me:
Progress is not always easy to see.
Sometimes progress is not about walking farther.
Sometimes progress is simply getting out of bed and trying again.
Sometimes progress is being able to do something today that you could not do yesterday.
And sometimes progress is just not giving up.
MS has also taught me that my condition can go up and down.
One day I may feel good.
Another day I may feel weak.
One day I may be able to do something without thinking about it.
The next day, the same thing can feel difficult.
At first, this confused me.
I wanted my body to be predictable.
I wanted to know exactly what I could and could not do.
But MS doesn’t always work that way.
So I have learned to listen to my body.
I have learned to know my limits.
I have learned that resting is not being lazy.
And I have learned that asking for help does not mean I am weak.
I may look strong from the outside.
But the truth is, I am fragile inside.
And maybe that is okay.
Being strong does not mean you never feel weak.
Being strong means you continue even when you know you are weak.
I don’t know what my MS will look like tomorrow.
I don’t know how my body will feel when I wake up.
But I have learned not to waste today worrying too much about tomorrow.
When I have a good day, I try to enjoy it.
When I have a bad day, I try to accept it.
I take care of my body.
I stretch.
I exercise when I can.
I do my physical therapy.
I rest when I need to.
And most importantly, I try to keep my mind calm and stay close to God.
Living with MS has changed the way I see life.
It has taught me that someone’s appearance does not tell you their whole story.
The person sitting next to you may look completely healthy.
You may never know how much effort it takes for that person just to stand up and walk.
So if you meet someone with MS, or anyone living with an invisible illness, don’t judge them by what you see.
You may only see the outside.
They are the ones living the story inside.
And this is my story.
I may not have complete control over my body.
But I still have a choice about how I face each day.
MS is part of my life.
But MS is not the end of my life.
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